It looks like I'm not going back to the company anymore and it feels like my heart is breaking

I've asked my friend Sam (who also works there) to collect all my stuff for me- it just makes it hit home how I'll never be allowed back there- it feels like I've lost all my family at once

I've been so up and down today I feel giddy! One minute I'm happy and productive, the next I'm crying my eyes out and the world is going to end

I read a phrase today that seemed really apt, 'you may love your work with all your heart, but your work will never love you back'. Ouch- that hit the nail on the head and then some!

People keep telling me how in a few months when I've got a better job I'll forget all about First Milk, but how can I? Its like forgetting two years of my life. I feel heartbroken- like I've lost the best part of me but no one can understand that. My job was so closely linked to how I feel about myself that part of me is crumbling down and wondering how the hell I ever thought I was worth something?

I'm going to stop for tonight as I don't want to bore you with my sadness

I was absolutely exhausted today! We didn't go to sleep until around 1am and we actually slept till 10am which is REALLY unusual for us as we are usually up by around 6.30am! I had some breakfast then went back to bed until around 3pm!!! I just couldn't wake up! I was obviously suffering from some sort of sleep-lag catching up with me

It is back to work for Steven tomorrow and same old-same old for me (I'm wishing and doing everything I can to be positive and hope for good news- we are well over-due some!)

We went over my parent's this evening for supper- we had casserole with apple and blackberry pie for dessert- yum! We brought over 'Jackass' DVD's for them to watch- needless to say they were quite bemused as to why the do the things they do (the answer obviously is that they are extremely well-paid for it!)

Anyway, we are going to watch 'Walk the Line' as its on TV in a bit so A Dieu till tomorrow

Well, we're exhausted today. We had a marathon of reptile-cleaning and house-work then we had an animal health inspector round as the Welsh Assembly would like us to be one of their exotics contacts- so that's something

We then went over my parent's for dinner- roast chicken tonight with mashed swede, parsnips, roast potatoes, carrots and runner beans- yum We then had fruit salad for dessert- pineapple, blueberries and grapes.

We stayed at my parents until 9pm just talking, doing crossword quizzes between us and just joking it was nice

I also read the runes for them and got some interesting and good news if they come true!! Needless to say Dad wanted to know if he could ever be James Bond and the runes said it isn't likely in this lifetime, heehee

Tomorrow is going to be our 'lazy' day as we've worked really hard this weekend doing all the chores, people visiting, etc so its going to be a well-deserved lie-in hopefully and then just relaxing and taking the dogs for a walk- yay

Well, I've signed on to do the CompTIA A+ certification in computer maintenance. It is a good, professional qualification and it means I am a certified IT professional- kind of like AAT is for Accountants I guess.

I'm looking forward to doing it and at least I have got a 'proper' IT professional qualification as I don't have anything to back up all my IT knowledge other than my say so at the moment.

It will also open up doors for me as at least if the worst-comes to the worst then I can change career paths quite easily

Not much else happened today- got the car MOT'd fine and bought a couple of plants for the reptile room- an acer, a humpty dumpty plant and blue fox grass

Well,

Not much has happened today but I've got a feeling the company aren't playing totally fair- nothing has happened but I've got a sneaky suspicion..

I received my runes today and I did a reading for myself asking, 'will I get what I want from the company' and I picked out the sigel rune which means success is virtually guaranteed so fingers crossed it comes true!!

I ordered our runic pendants today so I'm really looking forward to them. I've got Stevens inscribed with the Haelu rune as well as a fertility rune and my pendant will have the Haelu rune as well as a protection bindrune

We watched Dan in real life tonight- really nice film with Steve Carrell. I really like him- he's a talented comedy actor We are going to watch 24 grams tomorrow evening.

Well, better get to bed- tomorrow is a busy day cleaning out all the animals, getting the car MOT'd and then I've got a guy from the Home Learning College visiting to try and see what IT courses I can do

Hopefully will have no bad news tomorrow

Well,

The county show was good and Steven & I got in free as when we got there there was no one manning the entrances! That saved us £24, which I spent on a pair of hiking shoes for taking the dogs for walks

The county show was good- we got lots of goody bags and freebies- notepads, pens, reflector for walking the dogs, bags, food, vouchers, etc

I got sunburnt on my neck and shoulders and its itching! Its really odd for that to happen as usually I'm so obsessive about applying suncream- must be stress

I did see a couple of people from the company at the show but the main ones I didn't see luckily.

I did receive a letter from them though asking me to come in and have a grievance hearing to discuss my grievance lodged against the company for their conduct. It will be next week hopefully...I really hope they just want to pay me off as I just can't cope with this anymore- they just keep on hurting me and I just don't know how much more I can take

I've been thinking of boys names in case we get pregnant with a boy and so far: Loki, Leon, Lucian, Sebastian, Cameron (trouble is a friend of mine has just had a baby called Cameron!)and that's about it so far..Steven and I both like Loki so hopefully we'll stick with that! So its either Oleanna Mathilda or Isobell Mathilda for a girl and Loki Leon for a boy

That's about it for today so I'll catch you all later

Well, I had a bit of an up and down day today self-esteem wise. I felt that I must be stupid as I don't have a degree when most of the people I know do and I know quite a few who have masters and doctorates.

Steven and I started bickering for a while until he clicked that I wanted him to try and be positive, lol. So in the end we went for action- I'm meant to be doing a degree with the OU in Science & Mathematics but I've decided to go with the Bsc (Hons) Molecular Science as I can join the RSC and get professional accreditation & further qualifications.

I did toy with the idea of doing a Bsc (Hons) in Mathematics but decided against it as people often assume you're a failed teacher or they try and get you to do sums in your head or something silly like that.

I feel better now for deciding and I'm actually looking forward to going on the residential courses too

Well, I'd better crack on with housework (or at least pretend to, heehee) as its an early start for the county show tomorrow.

Well,

Not much to say tody. I'm going to make my own runes hopefully and Steven and I are going to the Pembrokeshire County Show Thursday so he's taken the day off- it is extortionately expensive at £12 a ticket, but hey he's never been and I'm hoping I can pick up some bits and bobs there.

I had my hair cute today- well, more layered than cut as I want to grow it so it falls between my shoulder blades- I really liked the girl's hari style in Jumper so I'm aiming for that. The trouble is my hair is really thick so sometimes it can lack definition.

Steven had his trimmed rather than shaved too so we've got nicer hair now

I had to have my veneer patched up AGAIN as it came off during the night- this time they've kind of glued it to the tooth beside it so it wil hopefully give it more adhesion- it feels odd though!

Anyway, that's about it for now so I'll check in with an update when I have one

Well, I'm feeling a bit better now- I hate the fact I'm so up and down. It must be because I've come off my cocktail of anti-depressants (amitriptyline, citalopram and sertraline) which i was on due to my depression which was caused (along with stress) because of work.

I came off the citalopram and sertraline virtually 'cold turkey' but I'm still on the amitriptyline because of nerve pain and it does seem to have some beneficial impact on my sleep disorders (I have night terrors, sleep walking, talking, you name it other than snoring and sleep apnoea) I did see a specialist neurologist about it but all he offered was sleeping tablets! I can get to sleep fine its the staying asleep thats the problem!

Anyway, Steven and I have ordered pendants- he is getting a bog oak pendant with a futhark rune for fertility and I am getting a bog-oak pendant which has the haelu rune and a protection rune on the back Fingers crossed between us we've got everything covered!

I'm going to make my own runes tomorrow hopefully as I realised I have a skill which I can use to help other people (and gain some sort of income).

Steven and I are getting our haircut tomorrow- I'm getting mine layered as I want to grow mine a bit now.

Well, I'm off to watch the rest of Hitler: The Rise of Evil starring Robert Carlyle as Hitler- its REALLY REALLY good. We've got the dvd and I would heartily recommend purchasing it!

Night night!